It's What Us Mothers Do.

You. You Matter. You are Important. You are a Mom. 
She is screaming. I've nursed her twice to try to calm her down and although it worked for a few minutes she quickly begins pushing off of me with her surprisingly strong arms. She doesn't know what she wants. I don't know what she wants. We are in a state of chaos.

I take her out to our living room. She finally rests into me as I sway back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth.

I'll love you forever.
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
my baby you'll be. 

That beautiful quote from Love You Forever keeps popping up in my head as I sway back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth.

The blue light from the digital clock reading 1 a.m. illuminates her glassy tired eyes and her shiny button nose. I watch her eyelids flutter. She's wants to fall asleep. I keep swaying. I feel her entire body grow heavy and my already weary arms begin to give a little more. I look down on her and she finally succumbed to a deep slumber. She gives out a large sleepy sigh and I completely agree with her. I'm ready to surrender to sleep too.

I gently place her down in her crib and cover her up with her favorite blanket. She doesn't stir. I say a quick prayer that she will stay asleep this time around and then head back to bed where an apology is owed to my husband for my snappy behavior when we couldn't calm Remy down earlier.

Motherhood brings challenges. It brings middle of the night wake up calls, early mornings, late nights and sometimes days where nap time is nonexistent. You become tired. You become weary. You beg for your own nap. You beg for a full night's sleep. You beg for a morning where you do not need to be fueled by caffeine.

Motherhood is hard. It's challenging. It's real. It's full of fleeting moments. These difficult times of sleep...they are fleeting moments too even if they feel eternal at the time. They will pass and in it's place will be peaceful quiet for you with the absence of that sweet baby. Your little one will grow and you will realize how fleeting those moments actually were and they won't seem so miserable.

I have to remind myself of this often.

I break. I fall. I crumple. I cry. I wonder if certain moments of hardships will pass. I wonder if my baby will actually sleep all night long in her crib. I wonder if I will ever remember what it feels like to wake up rested. And then I wonder how much longer I have of soothing that baby. Will there be a day she doesn't want me? Will there be a day that she doesn't need me to hold her into me tightly so she feels safe and secure? Will there be a day that she would rather cuddle with her own blanket than her mother?

It makes the difficult moments not feel so difficult. It makes me embrace the smallness of my baby right now. The neediness that she has for her mommy.

In motherhood we have to sometimes toss our needs and our wants to the side so that we can embrace what our children need. Some may think this sounds crazy, but when you are holding that soft sweet baby in your arms you'll realize it's not that big of a deal. It's more than worth it. You will happily put them before you in any situation. And so I continue to soothe her tears. I continue to sway with her gently to put her to sleep even when I am beyond exhausted. It's what us mothers do.

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