I am not who I was yesterday.



I remember having to get up in front of my very small Freshman class and give a speech. I could feel myself grinding my teeth and could feel the slow soaking of my shirt under my arms. My face burned red as the oil pooled in the places pimples formed from rushing hormones and teenage stress. My name was called and I suddenly realized I hadn't eaten anything that day due to the nerves and felt a little dizzy. 

In some ways, I'm still that girl. Speeches make me want to hurl. In fact I couldn't eat the amazing dinner served after my sister's wedding this summer because I had to give a matron of honor speech afterwards. Oil still pools on my face in the places pimples have formed from hormones from birthing three babies in six years and adult stress. 

But in many ways that girl has evolved and grown into the woman I am today. 

One of the beauties of life is that we are given the opportunity to wake up every morning a better version of ourselves than we were yesterday. We have the chance to be our best selves every day and with the morning light we are given that chance every single day. 

However the problem with this is that others do not always see this metamorphosis that we go through every night. Sometimes in the eyes of others we are the person we were yesterday or three years ago or ten years ago...not the person we are today, right now in this exact moment. 

To me it is silly to compare myself to the sixteen year old version of myself. In fact, laughable. 

I would love to give that unsure, shy girl a warm embrace and tell her that everything would indeed turn out to be more than okay. I would love to empower her. I would love to tell her to continue to stick to her morals even when she felt judged because the reality is she would always be judged. Adulthood doesn't bring less judgement and motherhood sure doesn't so always show kindness even when the world feels so unkind. 

The things I could tell that girl. The worries I could calm. The future I could share with her. 

But then that girl may have not went through the experiences she went through. 

She may have missed an opportunity to grow. 

It used to be hard to look back on my high school days. It used to bring me to a place of such negativity. I couldn't see the days that were filled with light within the weeks of darkness. But they were there. For so long I held onto this notion that my past was something I would never want to revisit. And while it is true that high school isn't somewhere I would like to go back to, it's because of the life that I have now not because of the experiences I grew through.

I am not who I was in high school. I am not who I was three years ago. I am not who I was yesterday.

I am who I am today because of the grace and redemption Christ Jesus gave to me. 

We all have the chance to be our best self and we have that chance to work towards that best self every single day. We will fail. We will stumble. We will have days we are not proud of but they are days that we are able to grow from. 

2 Peter 3:17-18

Therefore, dear friends, since you already know this, be on your guard so that you  may not be carried away by the error of lawless men and fall from your secure position. But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever! Amen. 





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